I just witnessed something so random, so bizarr that I am still trying to process it three days later. A situation so confusing that I have pondered the consultation of scholarly journals and the cartoon pages alike.

I had just parked in the parking lot at Home Depot (the one at Tatum and Bell Road). My intentions were simple, to return the second leaf blower I had broken in as many days and then to grab lunch and the neighboring Chipotle.

Upon getting out of my car, I turn around to see a slightly overweight Mexican gentleman, dressed in jeans, cowboy boots, a long sleeve button up shirt tucked in and a cowboy hat. Mind you, it is 105 degrees out, but this is by far the least odd bit of this story. The man was standing in the aisle between the parking spots… (wait for it)…  EATING THE TREE!!!

Not that this would be any better if it were a tree he owned, but he was actually eating the tree that is a part of the Home Depot landscaping. We’re not talking, “just a taste,” this man is taking on this tree like a swarm of hungry lotus, laying waste to the pods like he owned them.

Normally I would be discrete about a situation of this magnitude, but I was so confused that I just stood there and stared. The situation at this point was already odd enough to warrant a right, left and blindspot check for cameras to see if I was indeed being punked….  and then it got even crazier!!!

A new Honda Civic then parked in the handicap parking spot directly in front of the gentleman that is by this time on his third course of bark. From the passenger side door of the Honda arrises an elderly man. He proceeds to look at the man eating the tree, and without hesitation says (and I shit you not), “Ya lookin’ for a place to hang yourself?”

Who the f*%k says that?!?!

I pondered the idea that there was an alternate universe where this exchange made sense, or even if there was some kind of old person lingo that I was not aware of.

Nonetheless, the two me then proceed to exchange nods as the elderly man goes into the store and the Mexican man continues to eat the tree.

Determined not to let this incident fall quietly on the annals of history, I immediately called close friends and family to make sure that what happened in the Home Depot parking lot on Monday will always live on.


(I need a drink)